I used to do this: On fitting in, being acceptable, and the tantric goddess Matangi

I used to try to fit in. In my 20s, I was basically fully in the maya (illusion) and only experienced glimmers of Truth. I didn't even learn what a highly sensitive person was until I was 28, for crying out loud. I lived my life for the way it looked from the outside. I tried to be like everyone else - like my parents, then like my peers, then like other women in my community, and then like the other crunchy moms.

What my sensitivity looked like during this phase was: tons of overwhelm, constant overstimulation, an inability to be regulated almost ever, constantly in fight/flight/freeze, chronic mastitis, burned out mom who wasn't present with her kids. My heart breaks to look back. But the breaking also allows a gushing river of compassion and love to flow forth, for that version of me. And, the glimmers. When I would walk in the redwoods, when I would see the ferns and moss and banana slugs and deer bones and rattlesnakes and my daughters playing in the mud, I Knew. I knew Divine love was inside me, all around me - I could feel it, even if I couldn't put words to it.

I used to try to fit in. In my early 30s I had my first phase of spiritual awakening. I learned about HSP + empath stuff; I learned how to protect my energy and value my sacred gifts for what they are. I gave myself permission to leave the patriarchal religion in which I was raised. My experience of reality, seen and unseen, instantly exploded. I was suddenly experiencing the divine in EVERYTHING: the grass, the trees, the flowers, bugs, my children, myself - my beautiful, sacred self. I conveived and birthed my son, messenger of enlightenment, at his request. As I integrated these experiences, I intuitively descended into a dark night of the soul. For a year or so, I spent a lot of time alone, in the bath, under blankets, etc., holding still and listening to my inner voice.

Once I emerged from my chrysalis, new realities and new perspectives were accessible to me. Was I "spiritual" now? After integrating my growth, I moved to the moutain and founded Forest Moon Medicine. I immersed myself into herbalism and reiki. Eventually instead of the leggings and t-shirts the other moms wore, I had tattoos and pink hair and nose rings. Now that I had connected so deeply with my inner voice, following her led me to change so many things about my life. But my new reality came with its own version of fitting in - what the heck! Didn't anticipate that. I found myself in different spaces, having different conversations, etc. - different aesthetic, different jargon, same bullsh*t of people trying to be similar to one another because that's what humans do.

I used to try to fit in. In the "spiritual" subculture, we say and do and believe certain things. We say "everything happens for a reason" and we sage our homes and we believe in zen or the divine feminine or great spirit or whatever! Cue, this year. I see you, year of the fuck*ng snake. Another round of dark night of the soul, another descent, deeper this time. More asked of me, more power embodied in me, walking the talk of my medicine. The "new" me that had emergered from my first round of spiritual awakening (hey! I fought hard to uncover her from the patriarchal bullsh*t!) vanished into the void. Time to become someone new (again?!). Time to release all attachments - all. Release my ideas about my identity, about my relationships, about everything. It's all maya; it's all plot devices on my soul path. None of it is actually me, my divine essence, my true self, or the reason I came to this embodiment at all.

Can you see the spiral shape of what I'm describing? If I started at the outer ring (widest ring of the spiral), I cycled through fit in > shed old beliefs/layers. Then I emerged. Then I cycled through fit in > shed again, deeper in to the spiral. Then again, and again. Deeper, closed to the center. What if the center is just unending samadhi, blissful re-union with Her? I am lucky to be so sensitive that I touch the center often. If you want to take my word for it, it's worth it. But the point is, this spiral is the healing path.

And trying to fit in to various places through the stages of my life has taught me that fitting in isn't for me. Being normal, being similar to other humans - why? For my path, the cost of this far outweighs the benefits. If I was living in a tribal community, I would be the medicine person, off by herself talking to the spirits. I wouldn't be circled around the fire weaving baskets with the other moms. I treasure my role, even though it's painful. It still hurts when my old friends meet up without telling me and I see it on social media. It still hurts when my family doesn't understand me. It still hurts when I know someone is joking or being sarcastic and I can't mask, all I can do is allow my emotions to show on my face. It still hurts when an intimate partner rejects my attempts to express the complexities of my existence. It hurts to feel like I'm not acceptable and never will be. 

This is where the tantric goddess Matangi comes in. Matangi is one of the mahavidyas (wisdom goddesses), ten goddesses central to Tantric cosmology. She is a tantric form of Saraswati, who is more well known. Both bless humans with the spoken word, writing, song, knowledge, and creativity. Matangi is infamously the outcaste goddess; she lives on the periphery of society. It's even a tradition to make offerings of spoiled or leftover food to her - sheesh. She is unacceptable to the max! But you guys, she is the goddess. She is the mother of the universe, the same as someone shiny like Lalita or Kamalatmika. Matangi is divine not in spite of being an outcaste, but because she is an outcaste. She shows us that being on the margins, being outcaste, being unacceptable, is divine. From her we learn that even when we feel unacceptable, we are divine. We carry the goddess within us, simply because we exist. So it is.

Yoga, Tantra, the Goddess, and the Modern Yogini

There is a shift moving through humanity right now—can you feel it? A pulse beneath the noise, a stirring in the belly of the Earth. This is the awakening of Shakti: the sacred, sensual, creative force of life itself. For generations we’ve been taught to suppress her—to dim, to harden, to disconnect from the body, from intuition, from the soft and wild knowing that lives within. But she cannot be silenced. And now, she returns. Not just in women, but in all beings who are ready to remember.

Since I began studying yoga (almost 20 years ago!) + tantra (in more recent years), both in their interconnectedness have felt like a spiritual home to me. For many reasons, one of which is the foundational place of the Goddess in yoga and tantra philosophy. For those of you who aren’t really into this stuff, here are the basics: The Divine is conceptualized as Shiv-Shakti; Shiva being the divine masculine principle and the infinite consciousness behind all of creation, and Shakti being the divine feminine principle and the animating power behind all of creation. In tantra specifically, the Goddess is central to everything. The texts, the worship, the practices, the philosophy. So this obviously resonated strongly with me because I was already organically experiencing the divine as feminine, as mother, as nurturer, as earth and plants and ocean and river. This is INNER KNOWING, which is a magical key 🗝️ to your spirituality and your path.

What I’ve described thus far is the essence of yoga + tantra. It’s by no means the whole picture. I’ve noticed that with any major philosophy, belief structure, religion (the worst offender), well meaning seekers tend to get lost in the trees and lose sight of the forest entirely. Yoga is no exception. There are so many texts, sutras, tantras, with so many tiny details of practices and rituals and well, to be blunt, rules. Several well-respected modern scholars, including Dr. Uma Dinsmore-Tuli and Dr. Anya Golovkova, have used this phrase to describe well known yoga + tantra texts: they are written “by men, for men”. This is not an insult to yoga or tantra as a tradition; it’s more of a historical and cultural commentary. In eons past, many societies were designed in such a way that formal education, literacy, free time to leave home and study, etc, were available mainly to men.

Giving these long ago guys the benefit of the doubt, they were very likely totally genuine in their devotion to the Goddess and their seeking of Samadhi, bliss, union with her, and they were just trying to share the ways that they found to do that. There’s nothing wrong with this at all. But here’s where it DOES go wrong: When any practitioner, yoginis (female yoga practitioners) especially, trusts the texts over their INNER KNOWING.

Here’s the kicker: the long ago guys, they were seeking YOU. They were seeking SHAKTI. They were seeking the Goddess. And news flash, she’s already inside you! Controversial statement coming up: treating yoga + tantra texts as gates or pathways to what YOU ALREADY HAVE is problematic. You are the authority on your path. If you’ve been at a circle with me you’ve heard me say, YOU KNOW BEST, WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU. You might not need to do the practices or follow the rules that someone else did. ESPECIALLY if the practice in question, whether it’s movement, breath, dietary, sleep, or whatever, was designed for male bodies seeking peace, seeking bliss, seeking realization, etc. If xyz practice feels good for you, that’s great! But if xyz practice doesn’t feel right, you have to be willing to trust yourself and walk your own path.

For those of us in female bodies this time around, there are considerations that male bodied humans don’t have. For example, lunar cycles vs solar cycles: female bodies are in a monthly energy cycle; we have more energy at times and more tenderness at other times. Male bodies can reset their energy every 24 hours, with every day being the same (theoretically and not allowing for life circumstances). Pretending this doesn’t exist is harmful and oppressive. The way our bodies are designed is part of our power; it’s beautiful and intentional. It’s not a deficit; it’s not a weakness; it’s not a flaw. It’s the total opposite. Being naturally attuned to feminine energy, to FLOW, to shifting and flowing like a river, to being sensitive and connected to the cosmos - these are the siddhis the ancient yogis were seeking. They worshipped women; they knew that women and their bodies and their energy held the keys to realization.

What does this mean for the modern yogini? It essentially means you need to commit to trusting yourSelf. Trust your inner knowing. Cultivate a loving, devotional relationship with yourself, with your heart space, with your body, with your innate spiritual power.  No more dimming your sacredness; no more staying small; no more keeping others comfortable. Shakti is awakening in YOU. You Are Divine.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you! Send me a message, come to an event (virtual or in person), or book a healing session with me. Just use the menu at the top of the page.

Love, Gaia

Collapsing - Eclipse Portal, Healing, and the Kali Yuga

I am collapsing. Like I never have before. It’s scary, it’s ugly, it’s uncomfortable, it’s even painful. 

I cry daily - big, heaving sobs, wailing, crumpling onto the floor crying. The sheer volume of energy that is moving through me, some mine and some collective, to be cleared, is staggering. My head aches, my belly cramps, my throat burns, my muscles tense. My sleep is inconsistent. Some mornings I can’t get out of bed. I’ve never, ever in my life experienced that. I know it can be a normal part of the human experience for many, so I’m not super concerned but it is unsettling because it’s unfamiliar to my experience. Sometimes I feel weighted to the floor by my GRIEF - grief for all the past versions of myself, for the healing I’m doing now, for the collective, for the earth, for my children, for your children, for the impossibility of being securely connected with other healing humans.

Eclipse Portal

In case you didn’t know(!) we have TWO eclipses this month. There was a lunar eclipse the night before the full moon, and there will be a solar eclipse on the new moon on March 29. Eclipses are portals for shedding - read, COLLAPSING. They invite us to release what no longer serves, making space for new timelines, new realities, new growth, new possibilities! In this energy, old programs are breaking down and the multidimensional self is awakening. I imagine the time between the two eclipses like a rainbow stretching from point A to point B, lunar eclipse to solar eclipse. And the whole time we’re under that rainbow, the energy is big! We’re living in an energetic portal. For those of you who, like me, are sensitive to cosmic energies, this is a lot to manage. Sometimes I wonder if I’m collapsing because the cosmic energies gave me a push, or if I was somehow waiting for this opportune moment… My collapsing has been going on for a good six weeks or so. And the correlation/causation doesn’t matter as much as the fact that it’s all crashing waves together in divine timing.

I haven’t shared this on my social media at all so you only know this if you’ve spent time with me in person: I got divorced recently. Before you start with the obligatory, aw, I’m sorry—it’s ok. It has been a healthy and balancing shift for my sweet, chaotic little family. We are all loving each other in our process and it’s truly ok. But for the purposes of this post, the point is that I have found myself in a container. A container of time, of solitude, of space - like I have never experienced before. I rushed into a “grown up” life when I was young, thinking that was the right thing to do. The family I co created is beautiful and sacred, and I’m so grateful. And all things are in divine timing. I need the healing portal now; I wouldn’t have been ready for it in my 20s. I need this sacred space now because I’m mature and experienced enough to recognize the value of it, and to show up to the experience; because I’ve been through a few rounds of spiritual awakening and the present version of me is powerful enough to heal the things I couldn’t before.

I over functioned for so long - my entire life from a very young child, until only very recently. My experiences in childhood taught me that achievement = love, and the things we internalize in childhood can root deeply in us and it can take a long time to gently loosen those roots. It took me until I was about 35 to uproot this belief, and I’m still working on it in some ways. I want to give myself credit for the progress I’ve made, which is substantial (thank you to the beings in my life who mirror this for me when I’m too grief stricken to see it). I took the internal drive I had to achieve, along with my “oldest daughter” personality type, and I ran with it! I did my BEST at everything, not knowing how to allow for the fact that I am a highly sensitive, superpowered, empathic, spirit centered, heart led being. I had no models for how to care for these parts of myself, which unfortunately and unintentionally resulted in me completely steamrolling them in order to live a life that looked like everyone else’s.

When life threw challenging things at me, as all our lives do, I didn’t process them. Because what I needed to do to process such heartbreaking things (see above about crumpling onto the floor crying) was not accessible to me in my over functioning state. Of course mamas with two babies can collapse, have spiritual awakenings, cry on the floor every day - yes, please, to more of that - but those doors were closed for me at that time because of my beliefs about myself. I believed that I had to achieve perfection in order to be worthy of the love of my daughters, of my family, of a higher power, and of myself. My heart breaks for that version of me; I love her so much.

But! Now! Now, I have enough SPACE, enough solitude, enough silence, and enough hard-fought WISDOM to FEEL the things I couldn’t back then. I am collapsing because I am FEELING and HEALING decades worth of pain, lifetimes worth of pain. It’s fucking HARD, to the point of feeling impossible, but… I know who I Am. And who I am is an embodiment of Shakti, the goddess power that created all the worlds. Which means I can do anything, spiritually speaking. I am an awakened soul, and I came to this embodiment ON PURPOSE. I came to earth here, and now, consciously, for the benefit of all beings, for the FREEDOM of all beings, including me.

And so I show up to this work. This work of collapsing, of feeling the biggest things (personally and collectively), and of deep healing. I allow myself to be messy, to ugly cry, to have swollen eyes, to stay home in cozy clothes, to walk on the mountain, to be held by sun and river and trees. This is what I came here to do. Even though many days I don’t recognize myself, some part of me, deep inside, knows that this is what I came here to do. Deep healing is not pretty; it’s hard and it’s painful. We must free fall into the void in order to be reborn. I’m scared every day, but I’m falling as gracefully as I can. I often catch myself resisting the free fall, the fear, the uncertainty, the discomfort. And each time I hold that part of myself gently. It’s ok that you’re scared, I know it hurts right now, but I’m here with you. You’re doing so well. I love you. And I always, always, fall back into the embrace of the Grace of the Goddess. Images of wild hair and three glowing eyes and soft black wings - and however you connect with divine energy that’s unique to you - comfort me as I cry myself to sleep.

We must free fall into the void in order to be reborn. But remember, precious one, that the void is the place from which all of creation comes. All vibrant, holy things came from the void, the cosmic womb, the fertile darkness. Many ancient traditions have various interpretations, personifications of the void and its guardians. For today I want to mention Kali Ma, fierce destroyer of the ego, cosmic ruler of time and space, and loving mother of all. Kali is the cosmic void embodied. With her dark blue or black skin she symbolizes “darkness”, but really she stays by our side while we traverse the darkness, using the sword she carries one of her four hands to destroy anything that keeps us from being free, from being our capital-S-true-Self. Please do your own research further into this topic if you feel called, or reach out to me for book recommendations on this powerful goddess.

Collective energy and the Kali Yuga

In Hindu cosmology, Kali Yuga is the fourth and final yuga (age) of a cyclical world age, characterized by conflict, darkness, and moral decline. Kali Yuga is seen as a time of increasing materialism, selfishness, and corruption, with a decline in spiritual values and righteousness. Sound familiar? Historical estimates indicate that the Kali Yuga began approximately 5000 years ago, and it’s really getting intense don’t you think?!

The Kali Yuga is one perspective on what (the fuck) is going on in the world right now. Whether it resonates for you or not, it’s evident that the collective energy of the human experience right now involves pain, fear, destruction, separation, and collapse. As a sensitive being, as an empathic being, as a medicine person, as a healer - I feel this! Maybe you do too? I have an awareness that my COLLAPSING is both personal healing work (non-duality anyone? a post for another day) and a processing of collective energy.

There are big shifts going on - cosmically, collectively, and personally. The old is shedding to make way for the new. The new paradigm, the new earth, the new timelines, a new version of me, a new version of you. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and overwhelming at times. Yes, it beautiful and hopeful. None of us are in this alone. I am here with you; I am you. So I keep going. Collapsing, expanding, whispering to myself, I love you.