I used to do this: On fitting in, being acceptable, and the tantric goddess Matangi

I used to try to fit in. In my 20s, I was basically fully in the maya (illusion) and only experienced glimmers of Truth. I didn't even learn what a highly sensitive person was until I was 28, for crying out loud. I lived my life for the way it looked from the outside. I tried to be like everyone else - like my parents, then like my peers, then like other women in my community, and then like the other crunchy moms.

What my sensitivity looked like during this phase was: tons of overwhelm, constant overstimulation, an inability to be regulated almost ever, constantly in fight/flight/freeze, chronic mastitis, burned out mom who wasn't present with her kids. My heart breaks to look back. But the breaking also allows a gushing river of compassion and love to flow forth, for that version of me. And, the glimmers. When I would walk in the redwoods, when I would see the ferns and moss and banana slugs and deer bones and rattlesnakes and my daughters playing in the mud, I Knew. I knew Divine love was inside me, all around me - I could feel it, even if I couldn't put words to it.

I used to try to fit in. In my early 30s I had my first phase of spiritual awakening. I learned about HSP + empath stuff; I learned how to protect my energy and value my sacred gifts for what they are. I gave myself permission to leave the patriarchal religion in which I was raised. My experience of reality, seen and unseen, instantly exploded. I was suddenly experiencing the divine in EVERYTHING: the grass, the trees, the flowers, bugs, my children, myself - my beautiful, sacred self. I conveived and birthed my son, messenger of enlightenment, at his request. As I integrated these experiences, I intuitively descended into a dark night of the soul. For a year or so, I spent a lot of time alone, in the bath, under blankets, etc., holding still and listening to my inner voice.

Once I emerged from my chrysalis, new realities and new perspectives were accessible to me. Was I "spiritual" now? After integrating my growth, I moved to the moutain and founded Forest Moon Medicine. I immersed myself into herbalism and reiki. Eventually instead of the leggings and t-shirts the other moms wore, I had tattoos and pink hair and nose rings. Now that I had connected so deeply with my inner voice, following her led me to change so many things about my life. But my new reality came with its own version of fitting in - what the heck! Didn't anticipate that. I found myself in different spaces, having different conversations, etc. - different aesthetic, different jargon, same bullsh*t of people trying to be similar to one another because that's what humans do.

I used to try to fit in. In the "spiritual" subculture, we say and do and believe certain things. We say "everything happens for a reason" and we sage our homes and we believe in zen or the divine feminine or great spirit or whatever! Cue, this year. I see you, year of the fuck*ng snake. Another round of dark night of the soul, another descent, deeper this time. More asked of me, more power embodied in me, walking the talk of my medicine. The "new" me that had emergered from my first round of spiritual awakening (hey! I fought hard to uncover her from the patriarchal bullsh*t!) vanished into the void. Time to become someone new (again?!). Time to release all attachments - all. Release my ideas about my identity, about my relationships, about everything. It's all maya; it's all plot devices on my soul path. None of it is actually me, my divine essence, my true self, or the reason I came to this embodiment at all.

Can you see the spiral shape of what I'm describing? If I started at the outer ring (widest ring of the spiral), I cycled through fit in > shed old beliefs/layers. Then I emerged. Then I cycled through fit in > shed again, deeper in to the spiral. Then again, and again. Deeper, closed to the center. What if the center is just unending samadhi, blissful re-union with Her? I am lucky to be so sensitive that I touch the center often. If you want to take my word for it, it's worth it. But the point is, this spiral is the healing path.

And trying to fit in to various places through the stages of my life has taught me that fitting in isn't for me. Being normal, being similar to other humans - why? For my path, the cost of this far outweighs the benefits. If I was living in a tribal community, I would be the medicine person, off by herself talking to the spirits. I wouldn't be circled around the fire weaving baskets with the other moms. I treasure my role, even though it's painful. It still hurts when my old friends meet up without telling me and I see it on social media. It still hurts when my family doesn't understand me. It still hurts when I know someone is joking or being sarcastic and I can't mask, all I can do is allow my emotions to show on my face. It still hurts when an intimate partner rejects my attempts to express the complexities of my existence. It hurts to feel like I'm not acceptable and never will be. 

This is where the tantric goddess Matangi comes in. Matangi is one of the mahavidyas (wisdom goddesses), ten goddesses central to Tantric cosmology. She is a tantric form of Saraswati, who is more well known. Both bless humans with the spoken word, writing, song, knowledge, and creativity. Matangi is infamously the outcaste goddess; she lives on the periphery of society. It's even a tradition to make offerings of spoiled or leftover food to her - sheesh. She is unacceptable to the max! But you guys, she is the goddess. She is the mother of the universe, the same as someone shiny like Lalita or Kamalatmika. Matangi is divine not in spite of being an outcaste, but because she is an outcaste. She shows us that being on the margins, being outcaste, being unacceptable, is divine. From her we learn that even when we feel unacceptable, we are divine. We carry the goddess within us, simply because we exist. So it is.